bewilderbrain

Emotional dysregulation is a known and common symptom of ADHD and autism, and its impact is vast.

But why are neurodiverse emotions different? how does this show up in our lives? and what can we do to weather our stormy brains?

A little while after having children, I realised that my emotions seemed much more volatile, acute and, well, raw.

I remember a friend whose children were by this time slightly older saying, “Yeah, having kids does make you worry about stuff more…”

Worry about stuff more??!!

This to me was such an enormous understatement of the emotional intensity that I felt, and I said that having children felt like having an Achilles soul.

I was met with politely blank faces.

The ways in which our different emotional processing affects us are countless, and like emotions, often difficult to pin down.

But let’s start with an actual physiological reason why emotional processing starts to look different in a neurodivergent brain…

The pre-frontal cortex in ADHD, executive function, the Amygdala, and emotions…

People with ADHD and autism can seem to have emotions that are bigger, and more volatile, and they can seem more or less than usually emotive on a wider variety of occasions.

We know that one of the developmental problems of ADHD is that the pre-frontal cortex in the brain has not developed sufficiently for it to carry out its executive functioning reponsibilities effectively.

People with ADHD struggle with decision-making, procrastination, planning and organising, and task initiation, to name just a few.

Brains however, so it seems, will often try and find their own pathway when a difficulty or obstacle arises which makes the usual road hard to travel.

To put something which is obviously far more complex and nuanced into relatively straightforward terms, studies have shown that ADHD brains – due to problems in the normal functions of the pre-frontal cortex – will sometimes recruit a whole different area of the brain to assist them in carrying out difficult executive function tasks.

The Amygdala.

Which is, you guessed it….. the centre for emotional processing.

Now, we can sometimes have some success with this, but effectively, what we are doing, is using the wrong tool for the job. We have drafted in a massive spanner to do the job of a small and precise screwdriver.

The Amygdala governs and processes emotions, and when we bring it in as hefty back up to try and complete our tasks, we end up imbuing things that should be straightforward/ mundane, with emotion.

Because our task initiation often doesn’t work properly, for instance, the way we might finally get a job started is:

To have worked ourselves into a state of advanced anger (or that old favourite, guilt) at ourselves, for not having started it yet…

To the point that….

The sheer weight of the emotion finally propels us into action.

Now, not only does this require a huge mental effort to achieve, (this is a heavy, industrial spanner we’ve picked up here, not a tiny Phillips screwdriver) but the whole task is now saturated in, and tangled up in, whatever emotions we managed to stimulate its initiation with.

This is a pretty exhausting way to get stuff done.

And it means that we can get tangled, confused and emotional, often about everyday situations that don’t seem like emotional involvement should be needed in any way.

To us, these everyday executive functioning tasks have become personal.

We have let them too far past the gateposts.

So, one reason we may be more emotional therefore, is that we are using emotions all the time, for everything, to try and counteract other struggling bits of our brain.

Lack of filters in ADHD and neurodiverse brains blur emotional boundaries

The executive function sorting area in the brain (which as we’ve established, is heavily understaffed) doesn’t have sufficient means to:

• Filter information coming in, (as to importance or relevance)
• Information going out (for the same qualities)
• Correctly assess the urgency of reaction needed to any given information.

In the context of emotions, we have no safe storage area for things which may require some emotional involvement, but are not an emergency.

We are all of the emotions, or we are none.

We are on top of the world, and our euphoria is scary to witness, or we are the pits of despair, and you should probably leave the room...

One of my children has been known to announce that “This is the worst day of my life” in situations such as, a grazed knee, an unavailable tv programme, or an unkind word from a sibling. There is no middle scale here on emotion.

There is no proportion

I learnt of something recently called “The Zone, or Window, of Tolerance”

This is a model of three zones, or emotional states, stacked in horizontal lines.

The middle zone is The Optimal Zone, a place where we can safely process an emotion or situation without being overwhelmed.

Our emotions are regulated, clear and balanced.

Above this, once we pass a certain line, we enter the zone of Hyperarousal,

We are overstimulated, our emotions or sensations are becoming hard to handle, and we might experience anxiety, panic and disproportionate/ inappropriate responses.

If we fall into the lower section, beneath the Optimal Zone, we fall into the zone of Hypoarousal,

We are understimulated, which can lead to lethargy, withdrawal and states of emotional numbness.

Now, in the average neurotypical person, this central band, this Optimal Zone:

• Has a reasonable girth
• Follows a straight line
• Has plenty of room for manoeuvre within its boundaries before a person falls off on either side.

In a neurodivergent person, or in people experiencing mental health problems, or trauma, the Optimal Zone is, you guessed it…teeny.

It’s a widdling little apology of a stream between two massive overgrown bands of hyperarousal and hypoarousal.

It isn’t particularly linear, it isn’t the same width all the way across, and it likes to change its position and boundaries from day to day.

Our default Optimal zone, or Zone of tolerance, is much more limited than in a neurotypical brain.

If we understand this, it can help us take steps to stop ourselves falling into the overgrown zones of overwhelm on either side. (see also this post about dealing with ADHD overwhelm and paralysis)

We can try to make our Zone of Tolerance wider, or at the very least fortify its boundaries.

ADHD and Neurodiverse brains have a greater degree of emotional permeability…we let too many feelings in…

In the context of emotions, the lack of filters in our brain affect how deeply into our senses information is allowed to penetrate. How much everything is taken to heart, to soul, and to brain, if you like.

When one of my children was only a few months old, I distinctly remember watching a dystopian tv programme, and it showed a flashback of a mother losing her tribe, and then birthing, and having to protect a newborn baby, naked and alone, before being bitten by a snake which poisoned her, but managing to cross the water to deliver the new baby to safety before finally expiring.

I mean, I think we can agree this is pretty harsh stuff to anyone right? I don’t know, a lot of people seem to have an impermeability shield when it comes to tv.

I most certainly did not. The programme upset me, went through me, imprinted itself in parts of my brain and sent spidery tendrils of nervous overwhelming emotion through my brain for days.

I remember talking to my partner about how I was feeling back in those early days, and I said that since childbirth:

…it was like someone had opened a door at the back of my brain, and just left it open…

…on the other side were the raw nerve endings of emotions, now simply exposed and vulnerable all of the time.

The utter enormity of having small human beings to protect felt overwhelming, at times almost physically and painfully disabling due to the sheer scale of the love, and the worry.

Now I am a self-confessed geek, and lover of sci-fi, and when I was younger, I would love and seek out the scariest films and dystopian movies.

Sadly (in particular from my partners point of view) my exponentially increased emotional permeability (which has perhaps improved somewhat, but only a little) now means that we have to be extremely careful what we watch.

• I can’t watch things too dark or doom laden, with scary futures which make me think too much about how I would protect my children in a zombie attack
• I can’t watch heart rending family dramas with estranged or lost parents or children,
• A lot of horror movies, thrillers, darker detective dramas
• Absolutely no scary films with ghost children, obviously…

It has too big an impact on my brain.

It gets right in there, and it bounces around and disturbs me.

I have a very visual brain, and once something is in there, my brain will repeat and repeat it, often elaborating on, embellishing it and spreading it in myriad new directions for good measure.

Watching anything disturbing disturbs me.

I wonder if with this type of scary TV, neurotypicals have some kind of filter which tells their brain, this is fiction, you don’t need to think about it again?

I don’t know, but for me, once its in there, its in there.

The news is much worse, because it’s real, and over the past couple of years I have been in tears many times at the news, and on a couple of occasions actually distraught for days over things I found so upsetting.

The neurodiverse brain is emotionally permeable.

Things go in and out too easily, as with other information our brain is processing, and they reach too far into the depths of our brain and nerves.

Emotional intensity in the ADHD and neurodivergent brain…

Everything. Is Intense.

Or a word much more intense than intense.

The bad sensations, and fears, but also the good ones. Joy, exuberance, silliness, adventure.

Romantic relationships and neurodiversity are too big a topic in their own right for this post, but in the context of emotions, and emotional intensity, I will say this:

An ADHD’er will throw their heart, soul, ribs, boots, home and personality into a new love affair. They will live and breathe another person to the point that their own personality can disappear entirely.

Their excitement is electic, all consuming- their very being tied up in this new love. They will have no perspective, no objectivity, no barriers, no boundaries.

When we do anything, we do it to its fullest, we live it to its fullest, and love is no exception.

This means we can experience the most incredible highs, and that is something to be celebrated, but it can also mean being followed by the most incredible lows when our pedestal of love is simply too high to maintain.

Our emotions run too hot, and it can be unsustainable.

It can also unfortunately leave us open to physical or emotional abuse, as we are drawn in so intensely, so hyper -focused on one person, that we are blinded to the realities of a bad relationship.

Our lack of objectivity gets us stuck in a narrow channel, and sometimes it takes outside help to properly see or deal with poor emotional choices, and to remind us to give ourselves the respect we deserve.

ADHD and neurodivergent brains deal with constant sensory interference and this can morph into our emotions…

Emotional permeability is partnered with sensory permeability, and our emotions are also affected and heightened by our senses to a greater degree than the average person.

We already imagine that people are angry with us due to Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, but our sensitive antennae are also constantly picking up on the emotions and sensory atmospheres of other people and their feelings.

Because of our lack of filters, we often unconsciously start processing and experiencing these perceived feelings of other people as though they are our own, and can put ourselves completely through the wringer at a friend of family members emotional experience or trauma because we simply don’t know how to switch off our own.

Our brains don’t differentiate, we have no perspective on emotional pain, and we can often feel other peoples acutely, and be walking around carrying other peoples emotional baggage.

Sometimes, we don’t accurately recognise or act upon our own emotions, due to something else, or someone else’s emotions getting in the way.

We don’t know how to understand or interpret what we are experiencing, and end up not processing them at all.

The lack of filters that make it difficult to know where our own emotions start and end, and how far we should take others emotions on board, are also in operation between one emotion and another…

… sometimes they morph, evolving before our very eyes into entirely new beasts that are impossible to define.

ADHD and neurodiverse emotions flow in non linear pathways…

I use the ocean as an analogy for neurodiverse emotion because its depth, its unpredictability, changeability and volatility, all fit. But I think that water can also be used to explain something to do with the flow of our emotions.

Our brains, our thoughts, our emotions, are often untethered. They are at sea, floating, at the mercy of the elements as to their speed, danger or tranquility.

But emotions themselves should be thick, dense flows of feelings shouldn’t they?

They are intense, nuanced, and often need to be delved into to understand their meaning.

So imagine neurotypical emotions are like lava, flowing slowly but purposefully and steadily down the mountainside, or hmmm, consistency…what could we have?…. like gravy.

Like gravy wending its way gently between roast potatoes and Yorkshire puddings.

Ponderous, plodding, dense, but above all directional.

This emotion, or gravy (yes, I am actually sighing at my own analogy now) has a beginning and an end. It will make its way to where its needed, be visible, and be dealt with.

Now, let us say that neurodiverse emotions do not flow like lava, or gravy, they flow like water.

But they don’t flow like water in a gurgling mountain stream, or even a fast flowing river.

They flow more like someone tipping a jug of water over your head.

They will hit you all at once, completely submerge and saturate you, and splash into different areas of your surroundings and consciousness.

The ensuing confusion and splashes cover other areas of your surroundings, or your brain, that they shouldn’t do, dragging them temporarily into the flow, and confusing the very substance of the emotion you are struggling with.

Even at the moment they are hitting you…they are getting mixed up with more emotions and thoughts, getting themselves tangled…

A strong emotion feels like having water thrown at you, you don’t know where to look first, what needs clearing up, or which of the many rivulet pathways the water has made are actually the important one to follow...

Making peace with the turbulent waves of neurodiverse emotion…

We cannot stop our brains from functioning in the way that they do.

Our emotions can be exhausting, but they can be amazing too.

One thing we can do is to try and incorporate strategies that we know work for us, to expand and nurture our Zone of Tolerance, so that there is more space for our big emotions to roam around in without overwhelming us.

This might look like giving yourself enough rest, and space from others, it might look like seeking support through groups or close friends, it might look like spending restorative time in nature, listening to our favourite music, or watching our favourite tv shows. (See also this post about the power of pacing with ADHD)

If it calms and regulates you, seek it out, build it in, and pre-emptively prepare your safe zone for the arrival of the next set of waves.

We ride them, we do not fight them.

The way we experience emotion is real, and should not be fought, belittled or made light of.

We learn ways to regulate ourselves so that we are better equipped to handle the way we are wired.

When our brain throws a random jug of emotion water over our heads, trying to stem the flow, or catch the offshoots, will be fruitless, and will probably lead to more jugs starting to queue up to be hurtled at us.

Instead? Accept that you are temporarily saturated/ overwhelmed, and don’t worry about looking or feeling silly.

Stop for a moment and put a mental soft blanket down to absorb some of the water. Use your regulation strategies to distract a bit from the intensity of the emotion.

State your big emotions.

Tell your loved ones how you are feeling and why. It doesn’t matter if it may not be logical or make sense to them. Your feelings are real, and they deserve to be named.

Explain this to them in a way that shows how they are affecting you, rather than looking at blame for the things or people that may have caused them.

Respect that they need to be dealt with, but try to do it without bitterness, or recrimination to others.

DO NOT BLAME OR CHASTISE YOURSELF FOR YOUR EMOTIONS

DO NOT APOLOGISE FOR HAVING BIG FEELINGS

This is the way that your brain works, and it is, like you, wholly unique.

Who is actually to say that emotions that travel like gravy are more valid or helpful than those that splash like water anyway?

We can get ourselves in a mess with our emotions, but we can also have moments of intense empathy, insight, intuition, or humour, as a direct result of our splashy feelings.

These moments are capable of offering joy, real fortitude or inspiration, not just to ourselves, but to others around us.

Neurodiverse emotions can be a lot to handle, but even as our turbulent brains are pulling us to and fro over the water, I genuinely believe that somewhere underneath it all is an emergency back-up motor, offering a resilience and fortitude that few can see.

What are your biggest emotional hurdles? Have you got any tips for managing strong emotions? Or positive examples of what they can bring? let me know in the comments below. Happy Bewildering.