bewilderbrain

Why does a person with ADHD find it so hard to reply to a text message? Why do ADHD’ers forget people…avoid answering the phone…or hide when the doorbell rings? Trying to make sense of the difficult world of communication with ADHD…

It’s not listed as a prominent symptom – “People with ADHD find it hard to reply to text messages” It should be. Along with making phone calls, dealing with unexpected visitors, or staying committed to social arrangements.

People with ADHD find simple everyday communication much more complicated.

It can, in fact, feel like we spend approximately 50 per cent of our time worrying about, trying to formulate, or trying to completely avoid communication with others.

It’s also nigh on impossible to explain this to people, and of course, we feel guilty about it.

A few years ago, before I knew I had ADHD, but was beginning to suspect it, I got a text at work and got openly stressed about it.

I said ” I don’t know why I find it so difficult to reply to messages, I mean, I don’t know anyone else who seems to have this problem?”

My colleague at the time, and dear friend, who has been a stalwart and key supporter in my journey of discovery, and who has quite a number of neurodivergent family members, replied:

“I do. They all have ADHD.”

In many ways, for me, a turning point. But it’s such a bizarrely specific thing…

So what’s going on here?

1. Communication is tiring when you have ADHD

I have seen people having a conversation, in a busy pub say, glancing at a tv screen, and banging out a quick reply to a text at the same time.

Are you serious here? How are you doing that?

Communication seems to fall under one of those many areas where neurotypicals are able to perform AUTOMATIC ACTIONS.

They don’t seem to need to think about what needs to be said in response to a message, or when it should be said, or indeed the tone of the reply.

They just know. And they just do it.

WITHOUT EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT!

To an ADHD brain, I have to say that this is pretty mind-boggling. You see, when we receive a text message, we don’t always automatically Know the following:

Does this message require an immediate response?

Is that a question I need to answer or just a comment?

Do I need to make a decision about what they are asking me straight away?

Are they annoyed/ frustrated with me?

Is their tone a bit rude or abrupt? If so, why? How do I deal with that?

Do I have the energy to work all of this out right now?

You will notice that many of the above thoughts invoke the process of DECISON-MAKING, which makes them of course even weightier, as we start comparing possible options and variables, and their consequences, and potentially becoming paralysed by them…

So you can see, before we even get to the point of replying, just the RECEIPT of a text message, has fired off some spiralling mental processes for us, that are work in their own right.

IF, and when, we attempt to reply, we then go through the following work process:

An argument with ourselves about whether we have the energy to write the text right now..

Constant checking and re-checking of exactly what the persons text said, as we have forgotten exactly what we are being asked/ need to respond to..

Analysing each part of the response we are writing to check if:

– it replies correctly to the message

– it replies politely to the message

– any part of can be misread/ misunderstood/ accidentally cause offence

– the tone doesn’t sound too flippant…. or of course – too serious

– we haven’t accidentally made it sound like we may or may not be committing to some future arrangement which we are obviously not sure at this stage whether we may or may not want to commit to…

AND THEN…

Checking our phone in a panic several times after finally sending the message to check we haven’t sent it to the wrong person…again…whilst trying to ignore all the constant notifications that are like post-it notes being flung at our heads…

This is genuinely what happens.

Not every single message will be as difficult, and yes, sometimes, we do manage to reply straight away, or even have a little back and forth chat.

But very often, the above spiralling process commences as soon as a message arrives, and due to all the other overwhelming things going on in our brain, we simply don’t feel capable of dealing with it all in that moment.

Which leads us to reason No. 2

2. Object permanence is a problem for people with ADHD

Like babies or toddlers brains, an ADHD brain can struggle with things that are not immediately in front of us. We simply forget about them.

Or rather, in that moment, we are unaware of their existence.

And here is the problem with our not feeling able to deal with our text messages straight away. When we don’t reply straight away – we forget about them.

We are not being mean, spiteful, selfish or unconscientious.

We have simply ceased to be able to see the issue to be dealt with.

When it disappears from our physical view, it’s like someone erasing the picture on an etch-a-sketch. The memory is simply wiped clean, until we see something that will bring it back.

If I don’t feel able to cope with a conversation with a person at a particular time, I will sometimes leave the message unread, so that the little icon stays on my phone as a reminder of something I have to do.

This works quite well, to a point…

But the problem with this, is that firstly, you don’t know what the message says, and how important it might be that you need to respond to it, and secondly, once you start receiving other messages, if you leave it a day or two, it will move down your list of messages and be out of sight…

….therefore ceasing to remind you that you haven’t dealt with it yet.

Note the language here, “dealt with it”. It sounds harsh, but often our phone pings at us and we sigh, or get cross, or get upset or get overwhelmed, because this is how we process communications – as another item to be dealt with in a neverending queue of mental demands and responsibilies.

This is no reflection on the sender, or on our friends in general, and its very difficult to explain to someone that them kindly asking how you are because its been a while, can in fact be enormously stressful to you.

AND. It’s not like we don’t want them to contact us. We do. And we still want to be their friend. It’s just that the whole process of communication requires So. Much. Thought.

Object permanence applies to people too. Friends that are outside our immediate radar have, for at least a large part of the time, temporarily ceased to exist, until something triggers us to think of them.

Have we stopped caring about these people?

No we have not.

Quite the opposite.

Because of our interludes of being unaware of their existence, if anything, when we do think of them, we have a stronger desire to see them, to make contact, to let them know how important they are to us, especially when we realise how long its been since we last got in touch, or that we missed a birthday, other event, etc. But of course by this time, we feel awful that its so long since we got in touch.

Which of course leads us into reason no.3

3. People with ADHD get into a Spiral of Guilt about responding to people which makes it harder and harder to reply

We put off replying to messages, or returning phone calls, because it requires mental effort, but once we have put it off, we forget, sometimes almost instantly.

What then happens, is that we remember we have forgotten, and it might be a day later, and this memory pop-up provokes a mini panic reaction in us that,

a) there is a task still waiting to be done

b) we have forgotten all about it and

c) we have already left it a day to reply

So now, in addition to

a) The Task That Needs Completing – the thing that we were initially faced with, but didn’t do because it required a lot of mental effort for us – we have added in

b) a panic reaction and accompanying adrenalin that we had forgotten about it, and

c) the fact that we have already let too time pass before replying.

These later additions, now of course make a) completing the task – infinitely more difficult.

We are more stressed about it, and because we haven’t replied straight away, we now feel we need to include an apology for this in any formulated response, and in fact, the whole response better be that much more considered and altogether more comprehensive and perfect before being sent to make up for it….

(ADHD friends – are you used to not hearing from your friend for months and then receiving War and Peace in a text message? – this is why)

Impossible task? Giving ourselves too much work? Logically yes. But we are not logical. Due to the thought process above, the task of replying to that text has tripled in not just size and effort, but importance.

So now? We feel even less able to rise (to our brains) to the gargantuan task of formulating a reply. So we put it off again.

And by the next time we remember – steps d) e) f) and g) have been added due to our further delays and accompanying overthinking.

By this time, how can we possibly account for/ excuse such a long delay? and we are reasonably sure that the person hates us for our uselessness in replying by now anyway.

The task has become impossible.

Which brings us nicely onto reason no.4

4. Rejection sensitive dysphoria – our old friend RSD – people with ADHD are both highly sensitive and paranoid about what other people think of them…

RSD is a huge topic in its own right, but its big impact here, as with elsewhere in our lives, is that we often have a lack of self-confidence, and low self-esteem.

Not only are we coming from this as our baseline, our heightened sensitivity to anything that could be perceived as criticism, our emotional volatility, our paranoia, lack of awareness of social parameters, and general lack of faith on our ability to communicate effectively, means that…

We overanalyse literally everything…

Written text I think can be particularly hard for several neurotypes in a variety of ways. But where someone with Autism may struggle to read facial expressions (may – because everyone is different) people with ADHD are often unconsciously relying quite a lot on physical signals, and their intuition, as a constant input into the context and tone of a discussion. And these external signals are obviously absent in a written message.

External signals can unconsciously add to our big picture, particularly when we have a tendency to misinterpret, or indeed, miss entirely, parts of a conversation.

Verbal instructions anyone?

No. No, thank you.

But with RSD in play, the written word takes on a form and menace of its own.

In the context of a text message, not only do we spend a lot of time and effort worrying about sending a reply that won’t somehow annoy or offend someone, we have an enormous tendency to misunderstand, or to be offended by, someone else’s replies.

Three or four word sentences with no punctuation…

Why are they are being so rude/ abrupt to me?

The dreaded “Okay”

This one, to me, means everything from “if you really think that’s acceptable I suppose that will have to do” to “You’re clearly shit and I don’t even know why I bother speaking to you.”

Is that what the average person means when they type “Okay”?

On balance, I think probably not.

But I don’t seem to have any control over the brain reaction that tells me they are angry with me, or asks what I could have done to offend them, and sometimes I get quite upset and spend quite some time worrying about it, or having to discuss its possible context or meaning with someone else..

This is RSD. Reading too much or too little into things. ALWAYS, thinking you have annoyed someone. Or forgotten something. Or annoyed someone by forgetting something.

And it means that as well as the previously mentioned MENTAL effort required to communicate with people, our brains will pull a lot of EMOTIONAL baggage into the process, which gets tangled up and confused on the conveyor built and leaves us floundering looking for our response in the lost property department.

We WORRY about everything. We CARE about everything. And paradoxically, this exact excess of worry and care is what often ends up creating the impression that we don’t care about people. Which makes us feel bad, escalates RSD, and further crushes our self esteem.

BE ASSURED. WE CARE.

See also (Iceberg! Dead Ahead! Surviving the scary ocean of neurodiverse emotion)

5. People with ADHD struggle to deal with the unexpected and things beyond our control, communications can be an intrusion into our safely cocooned worlds…

Because we mentally prepare for, and overthink, pretty much everything, things that are sudden and unexpected to us can cause a small jolt in the space-time continuum.

Another ADHD paradox of course, is that in some senses we we are always seeking the new, the unexpected – to find excitement in new ways and places. But this has to be under our control…and on our terms.

We also need a certain amount of order and routine to be able to function at all. I have said before, that when the inside is chaos, it can be especially important for us to keep a tight hold or control over the things/ events around us.

This can be problematic for us, as we are sometimes trying to control things for other people too.

We don’t know where the line is to stop worrying for other people, or trying to organise for them, or think for them, because we have no mental “off” button, and a lack of filter as to what things fall under our remit to be concerned about.

So whilst we like excitement and adventure, we also, for the most part, like to know exactly what’s going on, so that we feel a little bit steadier as our untethered brains try to sail through the day of uncertain waters.

We try to control what we can. We write it down. We talk it through. We talk to ourselves. We set reminders.

Sometimes, we feel like we are reasonably on course on a given day, we know approximately where we are, and what needs to be done.

Then a text message arrives with an invite for a forthcoming weekend...

It can’t be replied to straight away, because it will require discussing with the family in order to make a decision about. Which means you now have a discussion to factor into your day, a decision, a reply to text message to formulate, and you also have to remember to do all of those things.

Suddenly, several factors and variables have appeared in your day that weren’t there before, and every time this happens it risks wobbling you off course.

If the communication is to do with something social, or a decision, there will likely be a raft of further decisions down the line to go with it…

When should we go? what should we take? what does everyone need to wear/ pack…the list goes on.

You couldn’t plan for the arrival of this message, or invite, so you have no way of dealing with the extra information in your brain, or the extra tasks that come with it, in a calm and organised fashion.

Because of this same disruption of daily process, thoughts and control, I do not like answering the phone, or the door, if I am not expecting someone.

I would never answer the phone to a number I don’t know, and even if I do know them, if a friend calls me with no prior warning, it’s pretty unlikely I’ll answer it.

I AM NOT MENTALLY PREPARED TO SPEAK TO YOU ON THE PHONE!

Phone calls need to be geared up for….They can’t just be done at the drop of a hat…that’s craziness…

And the doorbell? Unexpectedly?!

Well, that could be literally anything…..

The immediate stress response, the adrenalin…all the unknowns…all the thoughts and scenarios flying through your head at the speed of light as to who it could be or what action might need to be taken….

I would love to be more casual about the idea of people “dropping by” to see me. But come on, lets be realistic here.

Don’t take an ADHD’er unawares…we are jumpy creatures at the best of times, but startle us with a doorbell and you will likely find us either behind the sofa or approaching the door like a lion stalking its prey.

The lack of filters that help us to understand importance and relevance to us, also mean that communications seem to inject themselves further into the recesses of our brains than they should be allowed to.

When we have chance to try something approaching rest, we tend to like to cocoon ourselves from the world – comfort clothes, programmes, books, safe spaces etc.

Yet we carry around these bloody bingling little black boxes that buzz, bing, periodically sound alarms at us, and metaphorically constantly shout at us about other peoples expectations, things we haven’t done, things we have done, things we have forgotten we haven’t done, etc.

Phones and media, in the context of ADHD particularly, are too big a topic for right here, right now. But I think how we often experience them, or the immediacy of their communication, is as intrusions into our safe spaces.

I can think I have done all I need to do for the day, and have settled down (as much as I ever do) for an hour of TV, and a single bingly communication signals that another task has arrived, and wreaks havoc in my brain. I try to ignore the bingle. But I know it’s happened, and I know i’m going to have to look at some point…

I just want the world, the day, the hour, to go quiet, sometimes, to let me catch up, to get off the hamster wheel.

And this feeling, this overwhelm at the unexpected, the intrusion into our unguarded, unfiltered personal spaces, adds profoundly to the feeling of weight that often attaches itself to communication.

It’s not you, dear friends. It’s our brains, and the whole bloody system.

People with ADHD desperately need the support of their friends…but we often don’t know it…

This is what makes the whole communication thing so terribly difficult. Not only are we not good at it/ find it hard, for all the reasons stated above, we don’t always recognise our own needs, one of which, often much neglected, is friendship.

People with ADHD often have fewer close friends, due to our difficulties in staying in touch with people, and many of us have lost or failed friendships in our pasts, which have only been lost or failed due to our inability to communicate effectively.

This adds not only to our overall guilt wagon, but also further hinders our confidence in dealing with future friendships and communications, to the point where sometimes it seems easier not to try and embark upon them.

We will think about texting a friend not spoken to for a long time, and we’ll be scared of rejection.

We also know our weaknesses, so we are scared that they will reply, and a conversation will be restarted, but we will be unable to keep up the momentum, fail to respond again, and disappoint/ alienate them even further.

When we are down, or alone, we are actually even less likely to try and reach out to friends because we worry that we are a burden, and again, due to lack of filters and the reach of our brains being never-ending, we would probably end up worrying about them worrying about us.

Some of us can only handle so much social interaction, and the problem is that the more life seems overwhelming, the more we can have a tendency to try and shut the world out.

We don’t always realise we’re doing it, but again, we are cocooning ourselves due to too much overall input, and unfortunately people, and socialising, communicating with friends, are often first on the casualty list.

There is nothing wrong with doing less. With moderating your time and energy (see this post about managing your energy with ADHD) but friends are important, people are good for us, especially those that understand us.

The lucky among us have a few stalwart friends who know us well enough to understand this about us, to realise that when we go silent it doesn’t mean we don’t love or value them anymore. It probably means we need them more.

We are emotionally vulnerable, but not fragile people, we have inner strength and resilience, and we can often be too proud to ask for help.

We question ourselves, and we doubt ourselves, and we are easily knocked down by criticism. But that same openness and emotional sponge-like quality also means that we are easily buoyed up.

A compliment, positive encouraging feedback, a kind word, or the joy of making someone laugh can take us from zero to one hundred quicker than a neurotypical can say “steady now”.

(For a boost, and exactly these kind of positives see also Fantastic Beasts – 5 reasons to love and celebrate ADHD brains)

We can be hard work when we are down, but can truly light up among those who love, understand and appreciate us. So seek them out. And appreciate them.

Try to explain to those that really matter how and why communication is harder for you, and that it in no way reflects on your feelings towards them.

Whenever an ADHD energy burst hits and you feel more like being sociable or communicating, ride with it.

Intermittent bursts of War and Peace are better than nothing at all.

Be brave, and sometimes let people know that they matter to you just randomly, when they pop into your head.

Those that really love and understand you will be there regardless.

Don’t sweat the rest.

What is your biggest communication obstacle? You are probably too exhausted from reading all that stuff about communication, and thinking about it, I know I am… stick any thoughts you may have the energy for in the comments…but if not, have a lovely cup of tea instead.