bewilderbrain

The above quote is one of a list of ridiculous reasons for phoning in sick to work that we came up with in a pub many years ago. This was always one of my favourites.

But I think it does a pretty good job of explaining what happens in the ADHD brain when the dreaded paralysis hits.  

Put simply, due to its inability to filter incoming information according to urgency, relevance, or overall importance, an ADHD brain can easily be overwhelmed by the information that it is trying to process at any one time.

Not only can we not effectively filter this information, but we cannot control the time or way in which it arrives. ADHD brains are completely non-linear – but it is not so much that all the thoughts are jumbled or in the wrong order –  as that they are all arriving simultaneously.

In a neurotypical brain, if a thought occurs about a problem to be solved, the brain would usually try to solve that problem/ make a plan for it/ decide its importance, before moving on to the next matter to be dealt with.

In an ADHD brain, everything is everywhere all at once.

All the issues to be dealt with arrive at the same time, are perceived at the same level, and the brain is not able to differentiate between differences in urgency or importance.

Add in the problems with short term memory that come with ADHD, and you have the additional stress inducing factor that information is continually forgotten and remembered again throughout the day, and each time it is remembered again, it causes a slighter bigger panic reaction than the last time – and will continue to do so – until the matter is dealt with.

In terms of the effect on the ADHD brain, it is possible that remembering that you were supposed to pack an extra pair of socks in your child’s P.E bag will cause exactly the same emergency response as remembering that you are due in hospital for an operation the next day.

Remember, it doesn’t understand Urgency, Relevancy or Importance.

From an outside point of view, this often won’t make any sense at all, and it won’t occur due to any applicable logic or deduction of external circumstances. It will likely depend more on the overall state of stress in the brain in question on any given day. And even that can change so rapidly as to be almost impossible to predict.

Overwhelm could occur because a person with ADHD knows they have a doctor’s appointment they want to prepare for the next day, but they have a club to take their child to this evening and they can’t remember the way to get there, and they have just realised they left their phone in the supermarket, again.

Equally, overwhelm could occur because a person with ADHD remembers again, for the sixth time that day, that they still haven’t replied to that text message that friend they haven’t spoken to for months sent them, they have to decide what clothes to put on to look tidy enough to collect their kids from school, and they realise they haven’t made a plan for what they are going to give the family for tea that night, so they panic.

The causes can be obvious external responsibilities, or they can be internalised worries, plans, decisions – often a combination of both.

From an objective point of view, the combination of thoughts, responsibilities, worries, predictions, paranoias, remembrances and mini-panics that add up to an ADHD overwhelm can appear so small as to be almost intangible.

But nothing, and I stress Nothing can be viewed from an objective point of view when it comes to ADHD.

Do not apply objectivity.

Do not apply perspective.

Do not pass go.

These things simply do not work in the same way with us.

So, we can see how easily an ADHD brain gets overwhelmed. Overwhelm leads to paralysis. Paralysis occurs because there are too many tasks in our brain that need attending do, and it also occurs because we need to decide which one to do first (task paralysis and decision paralysis)

We become quite literally immobilised by the enormity of what we are perceiving all around us as insurmountable hurdles.

Decision making is another area that our struggling pre-frontal cortex has trouble dealing with, and our simultaneous brains, whilst trying to make a decision, are also of course viewing all the possible outcomes and ramifications of this decision at the same time as they are trying to make it.

Again, due to its inability to filter importance, it doesn’t matter if the decision is shall I sell my house? Or should I have pasta or rice for my tea? The brain will set off its spidery tendrils of consideration in several directions simultaneously, making it feel nigh on impossible to come to a confident conclusion.

Often, due to this weak executive function, we actually pull in another section of brain, the amygdala, which governs emotions, to help us complete the task, and this generates a whole other complicated interplay between emotions, thoughts and actions that will be the subject of another post.

In the meantime, to return to our issues with overwhelm and paralysis, let’s ask ourselves first:

What does an ADHD paralysis or overwhelm look like to other people?

A person lying lazily on the sofa.

A person hanging around twisting their fingers in the corner of the room, looking at random objects as though they have never seen them before – can’t even compute what they are.

A person who keeps apologising but doesn’t really know what they are apologising for, and still isn’t actually moving or doing any of the things that they say they need to be doing. 

What does an ADHD overwhelm or paralysis feel like?

It feels like a giant churning knot in your stomach

It feels like a giant churning knot in your brain

It feels like the enormity and weight of the knot, containing all the tasks, all the decisions, all the things that have got you tangled, is crushing you. It’s pulling you to action and pushing you down on the spot simultaneously.

It’s making you feel restless, uncomfortable, crazy, in your own skin.

Looking at strategies we can use to prevent overwhelm from happening is a continual and worthy quest. See also this post on The power of Pacing – to do with managing your energy levels.

The reality with ADHD though, is that sometimes – Overwhelm is going to happen. In fact, there are times when it will happen frequently.

The question is how do we deal with it when it does?

If you had a panic attack, you wouldn’t be telling yourself “oh my god I’m so useless, I’ve wasted so much time, I’ve gotta get on with stuff”

Somebody would hopefully be making you a nice cup of tea and trying to calm you down.

What the world doesn’t see, is that ADHD overwhelm and paralysis feels very much like an internalised panic attack. You might not start shaking or have trouble breathing, or have a racing heart, but I bet you have a knot the size of a football in your stomach.

I would bet that there are a lot of the same physiological processes going on underneath. A panic attack will exhaust your system, ADHD overwhelm does the same.

In trying to recover from, or move past an overwhelm, so many of us, completely contrary to what is needed, push ourselves even harder.

Having become overwhelmed, we now feel like we need to somehow recover lost ground, to make up for our uselessness and make something decent out of our day.

And the rather stupid ADHD Guilt Fairy that likes to flutter around our field of vision at the best of times starts jumping up and down in front of our noses blowing raspberries and shouting “what are you doing!! Get something done woman, you absolute pile of pants!!”

As ADHD’ers, we know in our hearts – but not always our brains – that  you can’t think your way out of paralysis. You can’t think your way out of an overwhelm. It will only deepen if you try.

So what can you do?

1 – Seek Support

Talking to a sympathetic ear can be tremendously helpful, if you are lucky enough to have someone who understands what’s happening close at hand.

The Support You Need – if this helps you, show it to them…

The people who support you need to understand that they can’t be cross with you for getting upset about a thing or series of things that might appear completely illogical to them. They just need to understand that you are upset and overwhelmed, be sympathetic, and go over the details as calmly as possible with you.

Talking through the things that are overwhelming you, even if you feel silly, allows a potentially more objective brain than your own to assess what help might be needed.

When you have been partner to someone with ADHD for long enough, you learn that just saying “you don’t need to worry about that now”, doesn’t work. So how do you help?

Offer to take on one item on their list of worries. Go and pack the child’s P.E bag for them, so that its out of their brain. Offer to help them write that text message that’s been too difficult to face for days, or say that you will keep the children occupied for the next ten minutes or so that they can concentrate on it completely and get it done.

You can offer practical help, or you can help them to prioritise their tasks in their head or on a list, or body double them one task at a time so that they can get the relief of tasks being completed.

A note to the ADHD supporter:

I) Well done, you’re doing amazing.

II) An overwhelmed ADHD’er can be overwhelming. Don’t question why they feel the way they do, they can’t help it. Accept that they do, and try and help in the simple ways above. If you can support them nonjudgmentally, one thing you will be amazed by, and be rewarded by, is how quickly they can rally. There really is no-one like an ADHD’er for fortitude and bounce-backability.

2 – Leave the house.

Option 2 for dealing with overwhelm is one of the strongest tools available to you as a person with ADHD.

Leave. The. House.

I’ve written a whole blog post here, about why getting out of the house for a walk is such a quietly powerful weapon in the daily battles of ADHD, and overwhelm is one of the many areas it tackles. In fact, feeling overwhelmed is about the strongest reason there is to get outside.

I’ve said it once before but it bears repeating…

One of the things people with ADHD find hardest to do when overwhelmed, is to leave their homes. There is too much stuff around us, there are too many things to be done, there are too many things vying for attention in our heads, the last thing we can think about doing is changing mental track enough to leave the house.

You. Must. Leave. The House.

I know how hard this is, I really do. My other half has not infrequently had to physically prise me out for my own good. I don’t care if its two minutes or two hours.

Leave the House.

Walk up and down the street a few times. Hug a nearby tree. Stroke a cat. Even stand outside and breathe the air for a few minutes.

Every Little Helps.

Removing yourself from an indoor environment is also removing yourself from a lot of external stimulus that will be contributing to the intensity of your overwhelm. Family conversations, tv noise, physical clutter, when you are feeling overwhelmed anyway these things can feel like they will tip you over the edge.

Your brain is craving peace, quiet, escape from constant input. And sometimes even a short period of time fulfilling this need can be enough to give it the space it needs. When the ADHD dial has reached 11, outside time will take it down a few notches.

I think it works like this.

You remove yourself from the environment that the overwhelm or paralysis is happening in and it tricks the brain. It shakes it out of it’s stuck record groove and it inadvertently starts playing again.

Will you be cured? No.

Will you feel just that crucial bit better enough that you can continue to function and put your brain on a more positive course? I fervently believe you will.

And be mindful that that is what you are doing the minute you set foot outside the door. Think of the world outside your front door as your rest and reset button.

3 – Give in.

What’s that you say? I thought you were trying to help?

I am.

Let’s say you don’t have a supportive partner with you, or someone you can speak to on the phone to talk through your feelings. Let’s also say that you can’t leave the house due to illness/ disability or caring for children at the point you become overwhelmed.

When you feel as bad as that, you are not going to be able to overcome it at that moment. Accept that your brain has temporarily defeated you, and that you need to wait until you can obtain support or until it has calmed itself down and distracted itself into a better overall state.

Easier said than done right.

What do I do instead?

You do the most basic and minimum of things that are required of you at that time, with as much concentration on them as you can muster. You tell yourself, I can’t deal with all the x,y and z overwhelm issues at the moment, but I can focus on collecting my children from school and smiling when I see them. I will have done a good thing there. And I can be proud of that.

If you are on your own, stop trying to work everything out, and either pick one very small household chore that you will feel better for doing and get it done, or pick a comfort tv show and sit down in front of it, accepting defeat with the bigger stuff for now.

Do whichever one feels like it will make you feel better, or feels possible to you right now. And whichever one you pick, pat yourself on the back for doing it. You are doing what your brain needs to do right now to calm down.

If you have responsibilities for others such as children when you hit a state of overwhelm, you do the bare minimum you need to recover yourself. Let them eat cheesy waffles for tea and watch tv for two hours today if you need to, because that is the day you’re having. If it means you manage to give them a smile and a cuddle too because you had to make less effort with tea, then you’re doing brilliantly.

This isn’t everyday, and it isn’t going to do any harm on the odd occasion. You resting your brain, respecting when that is needed, is ultimately going to make you better able to cope with the myriad of responsibilities that life or parenting throws at you.

As to whatever overwhelmed or paralysed you in the first place, none of it matters right now. You will get to a point where it can be dealt with. If you reached overwhelm, all that matters is that you step away from it, outside it. In order that you can continue to function enough to get through the rest of the day.

Getting to a point of overwhelm or paralysis is a stressful and exhausting ADHD experience.

Rather than berating yourself for lost or wasted time in the manner that our brains love to do:

You need to be kind to yourself.

It happened. And your job now is not to catch up. It’s to recover.

Reset. Recover.

As gently and kindly as you possibly can.

You climb a mental mountain every day, and it’s exhausting.

Some days you need to accept that its time to stop on a familiar verge and get the blankets and sandwiches out.

Do you have any tips for dealing with overwhelm or paralysis? what do you struggle with most? or wish you could communicate to others? Let me know in the comments below